Ps: LONG POST ALERT!
All young adults between 15 years and 35 are in a generation where we don’t value a lot of things that are supposed to be “important”.
Marriage, for example. I do not know a lot of my friends 18 years – 30 that want to one day put a ring on someone or have a ring put on them. Shamelessly, I am one of those. For very explainable reasons and some stuff most of you wouldn’t even begin to understand, I find myself in this flock. I keep hoping I will eventually outgrow it. Let’s see…
I’ve been doing some observation (I wanted to use the word “research” but it doesn’t quite fit) on why our generation fails at marriage and commitment and I’ve discovered something; It might be insignificant but the consequences are pretty darn serious.
The girls in this generation know how to be excellent girlfriends. They are the absolute best. They commit to the role and girlfriends totally ‘bring it’ at every level. But, they have an entirely misguided clue on how to transform into wives. Sounds a bit insulting? Hear me out.
Girlfriends; they are sexy, they stay in shape, they are trendy, they are adventurous, they are spontaneous, they are open minded about exploring sex and they are a lot of fun. Basically, girlfriends are on top of their game – all day any day. Frankly, that sh*t is sexy as hell I can tell you that. It’s girlfriends that carry the latest in handbags, wear those ridiculous ripped jeans (oh! How I hate ripped jeans), keep their Instagram looking enviable by the competition and just know how to get a brother hooked real good like she’s a drug.
However, when girlfriends feel they are ready to become wives, they don’t exactly know how to transform into that. What they do, they drop a lot of all the above in the name of “growing up and preparing to be wives.” They have spent their time with a brother being the best girlfriend, doing all the things he likes, but the moment she wants to be a wife, those girlfriend things stop and the wife things report for duty.
So, ladies tell me; who said all that girlfriend stuff are not required or desired in a wife? “Society“. That could be your answer. But to shoot it down, who is “society”? “Society” is the critics around you. Not the mentors, the role models and your support i.e. friends and family. “Society” is basically the “haters.”
Although let’s be clear on something, there is society and “Society”. If your aunt tells you not to wear that extremely short skirt on your first day at work, she’s being society. The logical good advice side of the matter. But if your aunt discourages you from wearing lingerie on Valentine’s Day for your man with the justification of that’s ‘slutty’, that’s the “society” am witch hunting today.
Know the difference. Don’t hit me with that moral perspective on how I am bringing my point out, morality is as personal as your underwear.
See, when I (speaking for most men) get attracted to you, it’s beyond your character and kind heart. What you look like, what you do, what you say, your class, your attitude, how fun you are etc.… play a vital role in that attraction.
It’s a lot of men’s fantasy to have their girlfriends as wives. But when they put a ring on it, you switch to that “society’s” wife mode. Wives don’t do this, wives must do this, wives don’t go here or behave like this – that fruitless advice you’ll be regretting when he says the marriage is boring yet your relationship was great.
You stop dressing sharp, you don’t care about trends, sex might even get a timetable and that’s when you become someone totally different.
This gets boring for you too. You even begin to realize that the “society” you are putting up the show for doesn’t care what the hell you do with yourself in your marriage. After all, “society” will always, always be a critic. You start to slowly become the person you don’t even like but because “society” is louder than your conscious, you find yourself shutting out who you are and embracing who “they” think you need to be. You even forget that what he needs and wants is the girlfriend he turned into a wife.
That’s why men go out there and date young girls who still have that exciting “girlfriend” thing going on. Don’t get me wrong (lots of disclaimers going on here today), I am not opposed to you growing up and acting a little more mature. I just need you not to lose the girl he wanted to wife in an attempt to be the wife you think “society” needs you to be for him.
Adopt key wife traits but don’t lose yourself. By saying this, I also don’t mean do all the work. If you shared chores as boyfriend and girlfriend, the order of business should remain the same. Because you are now a wife, it doesn’t mean he sits back and watches you break your back trying to make him comfortable. Watch out for these a**holes who marry you to make you a maid. Chores are a group thing, they ought to be shared.
To make, you understand, I love cars a lot and am sure you have a dream car too. For now, I want a 2004 BMW M 3 Series. I am intensely attracted to that car, the way it drives, the way it looks, that almighty M performance, the comfort and luxury and everything about it is exceedingly satisfying for what I want in a car.
If I went to the dealership and bought one, I’d have bought it for all the above reasons and many more. However, if I woke up one morning and my 3 series had lost its chubby front grill, didn’t have the BMW emblem, drove like a choked Corolla, was seated on motorcycle suspensions, my leather seats were gone, AC didn’t work i.e. not the car I fell for, not the car I bought, do you honestly think I’ll stay with it. Is that even the car I got so attracted to I went ahead to officially make my daily driver?
Think about it! We choose things and people for a reason, we cannot expect them not to change, everything changes, but when they change and lose the critical factors that influenced that choice, they are no longer what we chose.
All am saying, as we attempt to rectify this corrupted generation we exist in, let’s not lose the core reasons we have the relationships we’ve built. When your relationship grows, let those core reasons grow with it. Maybe, just maybe, you might have a true shot at a happily ever after.
A side of me you don’t and won’t see often,