This may shock my aunts especially but well; at 23 and 9 failed relationships later, I have done some soul gazing. And what may not come as a surprise to you but a ridiculously surprising one to me is;
I AM ACTUALLY THE PROBLEM. Always have been.
Here is one of the things: one of the biggest reasons my good God must let me be successful is to give me a fair chance at a relationship that will work.
I dream too big, I am not too ambitious but my dreams are relatively wild. This is very good for my life, my career and my job. But it is horrible for my relationships. You know why?
Because for my relationships my big dreams come off as empty promises. My anticipation for what I want to do for us in the future comes off as a ga damn lie when the time reaches and I don’t live up to it.
I am still struggling, although impressively well, but I am. A few more important things will always come up. Hmm… Like what? Family, emergencies, work etc…
Now, I could tone this down a little bit but I can’t, it’s who I am. I hope for the best always and I can’t help but talk about it. It inevitably frustrates my girl out of her mind and before you know it, we have to break up because of my “empty or unrealistic promises.”
Truth is, it took me a whole lot of time to realize this. If I had, I’d have done something about it already. I am just realizing it now when another relationship is fighting for its life.
I cannot and will not or ever, apologize for wanting to do things big all the time. I just can’t do small things, it’s either big or i don’t do it. Doing things small isn’t how I was raised, it isn’t the lifestyle I’ve cultivated and it certainly isn’t who I am. If something must be done right, it needs to make a statement.
I can however apologize for always telling you my wild dreams for us, for you and for myself too – this goes to everyone. Moving forward, it will always be surprise attack like someone in history did. No plans, no anticipation, no promises, shit will just happen or not happen.
That said, what do you think about a baby next year?