NOT FROM THE PRODUCERS OF ‘SNAKES ON THE PLANE,’ COMES ‘SNAKE IN THE HOUSE’

Last night as most of you were comfortably not dreaming about snakes, I was faced with my greatest fear – a snake.

What started off as an innocent quiet night with my “Friends Joey, Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel (hope you get it) turned into a night where I’d be held captive by a half a shoe lace long – USB data cable sized black thick shiny snake.

When I paused the TV after the second last episode of Friends Season 5, it was complete laughter and jokes as I walked towards the kitchen to get a glass of soda. However my laughter and jokes took an unwitting break when I noticed a black long slimy “shoe lace” on the white door rag. I live in a neighborhood where snakes are known residents and I knew it was a snake but I didn’t want to flirt with that thought, consequently I chose to go with the shoe lace imagery.

I approached the shoe lace with caution and as I got close, the shoe lace moved. The-shoe-lace-moved!!! In my mind, it had charged at me and death was upon me. They say when you are about to die your life flashes before you, I didn’t think I had that time according to my mental perception of the situation. Everything happened too fast. At what I believe is my top speed since September 30th 1993 (when I was born), I “bulleted” back to the living room taking asylum in the furthest corner of the room.

Seconds later after much contemplating I returned to the crime scene. The now undoubtedly snake, was making movement as though it was feeling the soft texture of the door rag trying to find the most comfy spot to get warmth. First instincts were to run away and call for help but I wasn’t about to earn the title of coward because of a half a shoe lace long snake. I therefore braved the situation as my mind flooded with silly ideas on how to kill the snake.

I paced around the living room and the dining room trying to find an object to hit it with. And as fate always has it, in such situations you find nothing. I finally gave up and decided to call for reinforcement. But when I got my phone to call the people upstairs for backup, I noticed my network bars were gone. Which was impeccable timing if you wish to die, but I didn’t want to die. I had been luxuriously texting my friends a few seconds before the snake showed up on the door rag. Now that I actually need to call for help, my network is on leave – Fate is that you???

It was now up to me to deal with the only thing I have phobia for in the entire world.

After rejecting several disjointed ideas from my mind including pouring salt on it – WHAT!!!? SALT???  – That’s how bad the situation was. Anyway I noticed my dad’s iron gym (light workout equipment) lying around and I grabbed it to use it to crash the snake’s head. With utmost precision, I approached the snake armed with the iron gym ready to take out it out with team 6 swiftness and efficiency. But it seems like it anticipated this attack and it was ready with an exit strategy. As I got into position to execute the mission and terminate the intruder, the snake squeezed through the space under the door and disappeared into the kitchen. This is the part where the backup plan comes into play, well I had none.

In total panic and disbelief I fleetly flung the door open but I did not see it anywhere. It wasn’t hiding anywhere quickly visible. I assumed it had taken refuge in the pile of shoes on the floor and this sent me back to the drawing board, I needed a new plan.

I stood there with no stick and too frightened to flip through or toss the pile of shoes and look for it. What if it jumped out and snaffled my lip sending me into unendurable pain and imminent death? I still have a whole lot of unticked items on my bucket list and compromising them wasn’t a substantial option.

Then all the a million “oh my God’s” I had been silently whispering finally paid off, I heard the most pleasant sound since I first noticed the “shoe lace.” A Whatsapp message alert came through and I knew network was back on. I quickly called my cousin who was sleeping upstairs and he came down to help me hunt and kill the snake.

We looked for the snake and it was nowhere to be found. We searched the entire kitchen and the rooms downstairs but we found nothing. We concluded it had squeezed through the door and gone back outside. Unconvinced as I was, I let him go back to bed since over 15 minutes of hunting had yielded absolutely nothing.

Now, this wasn’t even the scariest part of my night. The realization that I was the only member of the house sleeping downstairs was the scariest bit. That was reality check for me. The thought of “it could be hiding somewhere in the house and when I go to my bed, it will creep in for revenge,” was exceedingly terrorizing.

I’ve never wanted to stay awake so bad. Even when sleep finally over powered my resistance, I crawled to my bed checking every corner of my bedroom and forgetting to pray for a good night sleep or anything else and only asking for protection from the snake.

When I woke up this morning, I had a higher regard and appreciation for life because that snake could have returned seeking vengeance last night. I bump Destiny’s Child “survivor” whenever I remember my near death experience from last night.

And that’s how I ended up in an unexpected low budget sequel of “Snakes on the plane.”

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